The struggle to become half the man i used to be . . .  

DAY#189 - Pignic
Yesterday we had a Picnic at our house. We had set a goal to have one at least one picnic a month this summer where we invite some friends from church to our house and have a mini feast. The goal was to invite people we didn't know as well as we would like and spend some time getting to know them better. It was a great success.

Too bad it had to involve good food. Now that I am trying to maintain my weight I feel like I am on a tightrope of sorts, a careful balancing act. Trying to keep enjoy all foods the way I used to while maintaining my new weight. Leaning too much to either side would be a failure. So yesterday became another 'can I handle it?' test. I have had so many bad eating days thanks to picnics of the past I was a bit leery.

Of all my memories about eating and gorging on food in my past the one that sticks out the most to me was when I was about eight years old. My parents had a picnic for my dad's family at our house. The food was really good and for an eight year old boy I ate a ton. It was so good that even when I was full I kept eating. I don't remember much about the picnic except for this one fact. When I was done eating I walked into our garage and looked at a reflection of myself in the on the window of my mom's car. My stomach looked huge, like I had just swallowed a beach ball pregnant and I felt bloated and nearly sick. I can still remember thinking to myself "eating like this isn't good for me."

I was ashamed at my behavior and sad that I ate so much, but I loved food and how it tasted and at the next picnic I went on to eat just as much. I still think about that memory when we are on our way to a picnic. It is what scares me about myself and adds to the chance I might fall off my high wire and back into my old habits. So yesterday I stepped cautiously.

For the first time I told myself that I could eat whatever I wanted. Up till now I have been pretty strict about the content of my food staying away from added sugars and most starches. I did however decide if I went overboard during my picnic lunch I would cut back on my dinner accordingly. Along with all our good company came food and lots of it. Our picnics never seem to lack food. :) I made several trips and tried a few new things yesterday. I had rice for the first time in 6 months, and a few other starchy items and i followed it all up with a slice of peach pie for dessert.

After I was full I could feel my OCD trying to kick in. Obsessively, compulsively, I wanted to pick and nibble at more food. I tried my best to remain calm and found someone to talk to. In the end I think I did well. I ate normal food, I put no restriction on the types of food I allowed myself to eat and I stopped. It was a bit of a balancing act, but I navigated my way. I was satisfied. I had some tasty food and other than a few mental OCD fights I made it through.

The true test was to see if my body would be happy with my food choices. This morning my weigh in didn't budge from my normal rut I have been living in. That says to me that I did okay. Today I was back to my normal eating habits and I am excited about my chances of making it through my next food challenge with even more ease.
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Saturday July 11, 2020 - Day #3771