The struggle to become half the man i used to be . . .  


DAY#205 - The F word
I am getting butterflies in my stomach over the 5k on Saturday. Seems kinda silly for such a small event but alas, it is all too real. I have been running 5k for a few weeks now so I know I can do it. But doing it in public in front of other people. ick! No happiness factor there at all. Don't get me wrong, I want / need to do it. I would just liked to be ignored and left alone.

I think it boils down to the FEAR of failure. And yeah FEAR is a big word. It shouldn't be, but every once in a while FEAR rears its ugly head. What if I fail. What if I stumble? Trip? What if I come in last? What if everyone is watching and pointing? The list goes on and on. I can't say any one of these is the IT factor for me. I think it is mostly the FEAR of the unknown failure.

This fear has been bothering me for weeks now. Pretty much ever since I posted on face book that I would run a 5k, I have not slept well. This whole declaring my weight loss intensions on face book has really exposed me and my plans to the world and so far I have done well with it. I must admit being public on face book isn't as bad as standing on the stage in front of the same number of people. On face book only a few people actually read and comment to my posts at any given time and I do not have to look most of them in the eyes. And if I have a small failure or trip up I have the safety of not posting it. So face book has been a safe way to be 'public'.

However, the 5k run on Saturday supposedly will have a few hundred attendees and a few people coming just to support me. This is my first public display of my fitness ability. Anything I mess up will be seen by many. Can I say, ick! So yeah, that is pretty much it. This is what keeps me up at night. Kinda like watching a 2 year old point and scream in terror at a fly. We can watch and laugh because we know a fly isn;t a big deal and we have squashed hundreds of them with ease. So this fly of a fear is just a little to real for me right now.

With these thoughts in mind I need to rely upon God and the promises He makes me in His word. The one I am pondering today is: For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7. I need to hold fast to this.
[2010-10-06]
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