The struggle to become half the man i used to be . . .  


DAY#37 - Boca Grande
So my weight is not my only problem, I have many. The one I want to address today is not a secret, at least to those that know me. It has become an issue thanks to my weight and other people. What I write today is not justification, I hope it doesn't come off that way. I hope it to be an explanation followed by an apology.

My mouth is a well used device on my body. I love to eat, chew gum, sing, be sarcastic, play chubby bunny, trim my fingernails, debate, blow up balloons and just talk. When I talk, I am loud you can hear my private conversations at a crowded noise filled restaurant at the booth across the room. It is a gift and a curse. I would like to think I was born being loud and it is who I am.

However, that is not what I want to address today. The specific part of my mouth that I am most ashamed of is my tongue. It might be the most well trained muscle in my body. My tongue is a sword, a massive weapon of incredible destruction. In its finest battle moments it can rip my enemy to shreds leaving them nakedly embarrassed and deeply wounded, humiliated within an inch of their life. I am not proud of this fact.

Unlike my loud voice, my dangerous tongue was not inherited or even a birth defect. It has been the result of my weight & people. I learned young that people are mean. Elementary school was tolerable but by middle school I felt like I was in some great pecking order war. Boys trying to peck their way to the top of the flock by bullying, intimidating, and belittling others by word or fist. My weight issue was an easy target. It was in that moment that my tongue got its training.

It didn't take me long to figure out that a good offense is the best defense. My tongue went on the offensive. My tounge would try to creativly get in the first blow and take someone off guard before they say something nasty about my weight and hurt me. As a result I developed a terrible habit. Like Pavlov's dog at the dinner bell my mouth kicks into full gear before I even know what I am doing. It is something i need to control and I work at it, but there are times I still fail.

The amusing thing is I can spot someone a mile away who has this same exact problem. I hear the way they talk and how they treat people and I know. We have something in common. I can only imagine the hurt they experienced that made them who they are and inside I cry for them. Because I believe behind those people is still a hurt fat/ugly/unpopular kid on the playground.


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To those who have been hurt by my words, I am sorry. It is my fault. I need to control my tongue. It is something I need to overcome. I am truly sorry, please forgive me.

[2010-04-21]
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