The struggle to become half the man i used to be . . .  


DAY#151 - Lust
It is all in your head. It is. At least for me it is. The desire to eat food lives in my head. I have not been hungry since I started phase 3 of my diet. My stomach has always felt satisfied and I have been happy. A good amount of energy, no weak moments as I had in Phase 2 when I wouldn't eat for long periods of time. But hunger is on my brain. Physical Hunger? NO, Mental Hunger YES!

I find myself wanting to snack during the day? Have an extra spoonful of whatever while cooking. Day dreaming about eating some nuts. Maybe I need to be locked up. I have food on the brain and I do not like it. I am amazed that I catch myself standing in front of my cupboard of food thinking about having another handful of nuts. Can I? Sure I can. Do I need it? NO. Why is my brain wired this way? What keeps me coming back to the food train of thought?

It is my fault, but I do blame society to an extent. Everywhere I turn food is there. I can't turn on the TV, radio, pick up a newspaper, log in to a website, or read a magazine without being confronted by FOOD. When is the last time you got together with friends for a few hours and didn't eat or drink something? We even will call up a friend we haven't seen for a long time and go out to eat with them and spend more time ordering the food and eating than actually finding out how they are doing. We take food to the movies with us, we eat it in front of the TV, and eat while driving. Our society has even made it so simple that I do not even need to leave my car to get food they hand it out of a window to me and I can eat and get ketchup on my shirt while driving. Now that is handy!

Food promises to be all things, it loves you, it wants to comfort you, it wants you to feel good, it is gonna energize you, it will celebrate with you and it will commiserate with you, you can turn to it on any occasion or any need. Food is there for you. Hrm, almost sounds like God.

I really don't want to over eat and I want to stay on track. But, ever since I started phase 3 of my diet and quintupled my calorie intake and broadened my food choices I find myself more obsessed with food than when I was eating much less. I have stood up to my mental cravings and told myself no and have remained steadfast in my determination to see Phase 3 through to a perfect end. I do keep asking myself will this go away? If I continue to deny myself will going without become a good habit?

To be blatantly honest this compulsive habit is why I was so over weight to begin with. Somehow I managed to ignore it or not have an issue with it for many weeks while I pushed through my low calorie diet. Since I have added more food choices and food intake my old friend is back and he wants to party. Well he will have to look elsewhere for his party and to be honest If he keeps it up I may have to strangle him to death.

I can remember 6+ years ago losing weight and then slowly gaining it back as I stopped by my snack cupboard and ate extra food. It was the worst feeling ever. I hated myself which lead me to eat even more. Before I lost weight I never knew what it was like to weigh less. Weighing less felt great. Tons of more energy, more clothing choices, less sweat, more stamina, I could list things forever. Once i knew what it felt like and gained weight back. It was awful. I had wished I never knew and I could live my life being blissfully ignorant and fat. Tasting the fruit of the weighing less tree had sucked me in. I was an unhappy fat man.

I will not go back! I can not go back. Compulsive eating and casual snacking need to be put to death. I can no longer tolerate them in my life. They are bad habits and I pray that they can be replaced with good ones. I have worked too hard to allow them to woo me. My life is more valuable then a handful of snacks that make me feel good for a few minutes. I will not give in.

[2010-08-13]
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Thursday June 29, 2017 - Day #2663